Confused and Not Sure What To Do

I’m doing fine without you. I’m happy. Then suddenly, here you are, back in my life again. Why? When is this going to end? I don’t understand. You have no idea how confusing you are. I can’t figure you out. You want me back in your life, but you keep screwing up. We keep repeating the same cycle over and over again. I just want it to end because every time this happens, I think things will change, this time you’ve changed and you haven’t. So why do you keep putting me through all this pain over and over again? You know what I want, but you don’t want the same thing, yet it seems like you can’t stay away.

Are you scared? Please tell me because I can’t keep doing this. We either forget everything and never speak again or you tell me how you feel and be a man. I’m trying so hard to ignore all your messages and snaps. Why do you keep trying? Why do you want to be friends? Don’t you remember? We tried to be friends and it didn’t work. You couldn’t handle it and control yourself. You couldn’t even do one simple thing for me.

When you tell me things, it doesn’t sound like you want to be friends, but you do nothing to show or prove to me that you care. I keep waiting for the unexpected and little surprise from you, but nothing. I guess I don’t mean anything to you. If you want to be my friend, then show me, do something amazing. I know you’ll never do it, you’re not that smart. Do you want to know what I want? I want you to show up at my door with flowers or something I like. It’s the little things you could do for me. I want you to tell me something, anything, even though I would never believe it because all you do is lie. How am I supposed to trust or believe anything you say is true?

Sitting at home sending me messages and snapchats all day and for a couple days is not enough. I need more. That’s why I’m not responding. First, you tell me you’re going to leave me alone, then you say you’re not going to stop, but how long will this last? I’m not going to crack unless you do something different. I want you to leave me alone so I can be happy because I am. I’m not a wreck anymore. It took me awhile, but I have friends that helped me and I have things to distract me, but I don’t want you to stop. How screwed up is that? I don’t know what to do anymore and I’m lost.

For awhile, I had someone else making me smile and laugh every day. It’s a shame he’s gone now. He got a new job and I don’t know where he is. I built a relationship with him that I thought was growing, but then he told me he was leaving. I thought I was so close to finally getting what I wanted. I miss talking to him. I wish I wasn’t so afraid to ask him out. I’m just so scared of getting rejected again. It seems like every time I’m happy, you come back into my life again. I want to find someone that actually wants me. You keep losing me and right now you have, you lost me.

I can’t wait around forever. One day I won’t be here or I’ll find someone else to share my life with and you will be too late. Your losing chances and I’ve given so many that you never deserved, but I did it anyway because I thought you changed. I was wrong. I’m not sure you should get another chance.

What I don’t understand is, you don’t chase someone for two years unless they mean something to you. You keep telling me you don’t fall in love, but I don’t believe that. You are truly hard to figure out. I’m so afraid that I’m going to break again and the cycle will just repeat. I don’t want that, but I want you to fight for me. Show me you’ve changed, but until then, nothing is going to happen.

Lately, actually for a long time, I always thought our relationship was so messy and complicated, maybe still is, like Elena and Damon’s relationship. I mean, were not vampires, but still alike. Elena erased all of her memories of Damon after he died because she couldn’t handle the pain. She loved him too much. I thought about it and if I could, I’d do the same thing. I’d have Alaric compel every memory I have of you and make them disappear. It would be as if I never meant you. Trust me, I would do it, but I can’t. I’m not a vampire and that just means I’m stronger than Elena, even though I felt so much pain. I may not have erased you completely, but the memories are fading. I guess I did compel myself to move on as Elena did with Damon.

Elena was wrong. Damon is alive again and she’s falling back in love with him. Damon’s changed and he’s a better person. He’s still bad, but he’s better than he was before. Sometimes I wish you were more like Damon, but I would never change you, and neither did Elena. Damon changed for Elena, for love. I can’t make you change, that’s up to you. You have to want to change, for me.

It’s funny, what Damon said to Elena, is exactly what you said to me, but she didn’t care, she loved him and will always love him. He was bad for her, but she didn’t care. I guess Elena and I are alike in that way. I’d choose you as Elena chose Damon.

He always protected her, no matter what. If she was truly happy, he let her go, but he fought for her at the same time because he has always loved her.

My point is, I just wish I knew what you were thinking because I don’t know and it’s frustrating. You don’t want a relationship, but you keep chasing me. It’s not fair. Make up your mind. I hope you’re reading this, but at the same time, I hope your not.

I had to get this off my chest and say what’s been on my mind. I know it’s super long, but I’m hoping to get some opinions and feedback. I’m not sure what to do, so maybe you guys have some suggestions. Let me know!

PS. Right now, the messages have stopped, so I don’t know what’s going to happen. He lasted about 6 or 7 days. I knew it wasn’t going to last.

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